I write to seek the readers forgiveness for my actions many years ago at the Romeos and Juliet`s club in Oldham, where I worked as a trainee manager/dogsbody.
It was all to do with how I made the earth move for my boss.
He was a friendly, short and rotund chap, who had a friendly, short and rotund girlfriend. All of which would have been fine, had they each not been married to someone else; neither of which were short, rotund, nor would have been in agreement with the furtive activities of their partners. Had they known about them.
All of which left me in a quandary, because I was friends with everyone in the loop, so there seemed to be nothing I could do. Even though I considered the liaison to be very wrong. I should also add that the relationship was an open secret amongst the management and permanent staff.
And so the assignation carried on through the summer.
I went about my work as normal. At the end of each night I helped cash up the tills, put the money in the safe and secure the building whilst they were in his office, huffing and puffing and going about their business. All presumably in line with his alleged preference of the desk top as an alternative to a more comfortable matrimonial bed.
He then announced that he was taking his wife on holiday to Spain, but before doing so issued endless instructions as to how the club was to be managed in his absence. We all confirmed our understanding, and off he went, leaving me specific instructions as to when to collect them at Manchester Airport at the end of the holiday.
As requested I was there on time; and before he was settled into the car he began quizzing me about what had been happening at the club while he was away. Very quickly the quizzing turned into interrogation when he realised that business had been poor, and there had been a fight on the second Friday he was away.
By now I was beyond being flustered, but became even more so when he realised that we were on the M6 going south; the opposite way to Oldham. However I eventually got them home, and he turned up for work that night in a terrible mood. And I had had enough.
Shortly before setting off to cash up the tills I took a screwdriver and loosened the main screws on his desk. I kept an eye out for them sneaking off to his office, and managed to cash everything up and be in the cash office next to his, to listen to proceedings.
First I heard voices, then laughter. Then a silence followed by the pair of them shouting “Ohh Ohhh Ohh”, followed by an almighty crash accompanied by female screams. Staff came running from all directions, and a well meaning soul banged office door to see if everything was ok.
As for me, I almost choked from suppressed laughter; then I heard sobbing!
So we come to the outcome! The poor lady had not only dislocated her thumb, but had rolled like a bowling ball over the office floor, collecting carpet burns an a hefty whack from a filing cabinet at the other side of room. As for the manager, he claimed to be ok, but developed a strange walk for the next few days.
Everyone denied tampering with the desk, and the lady took time off work after “falling down stairs”.
I seek forgiveness for my actions, which I now accept were irresponsible and immature. I also seek forgiveness for the hilarious images I have of this incident, and the accompanying laughter. The desk had not collapsed immediately. Apparently it had swayed and rocked like a bucking bronco before sending them rolling over the floor.
Am I forgiven?
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